My struggles with social anxiety and selective mutism.

When people talk about bullying they refer to interactions, but when I look back on how school life was, it was less obvious. In a word it was insidious. I am thinking about how I was excluded, about the whispering in corners and the hidden glances. About the silent isolation of my world, in the middle of a packed noisy playground. Eating my packed lunch away from the others, alone on a bench. Short-lived attempts to seek attention that went horribly wrong. That was how I spent much of my time in Secondary school. Unable to simply say to people:                     “Can I sit with you?".
And then later in life, I settled into the same pattern. Wandering forlorn and alone down London’s streets. Reading alone in corners of large musty book shops.  Sitting on a park bench or in the stone square with the lions. People watching. But none of the people watching me. 
The words of the song 'People are strange' by Jim Morrison resonated with me a lot back then.

'People are strange, when you're a stranger,
Faces look ugly, when you're alone.
Women seem wicked, when you're unwanted,
Streets are uneven, when you're down.
When you're strange..
Faces come out of the rain.
When you're strange...
No one remembers your name
When you're strange...'
That's me. Able to talk freely to those around me, when I am comfortable, feel secure, know that I can trust them. But unable to approach a stranger. Unless there is a burning need and
purpose, and then I somehow force my way through the situation.

When among strangers... Unable to start a conversation. Not by choice. Words forced down by Anxiety. Simply impossible. Selectively mute. I am. Excluded until I am invited in.  I cannot simply initiate conversation. Engage with others. When I think about it, my brain returns:  ‘File not found’.   

The few friends that I do have, approached me, and proved to be what they said they were.
So few were the occasions in my life that I have heard these words spoken and directed at me: “Can I sit with you?” They are the key to the door holding back all the words I have inside.
I have tried to return their kind compassion ever since. Once I know I can trust you, I am a very loyal friend. This is because I value that rare gift far beyond the price that others who casually claim it.  I am grateful for the little that I have, and feel that I am rich. This blessed acceptance is a landmark in my life. By being accepted as human, I am enriched by humanity, and can finally accept myself. I have opened the vault that was sealed, tapped the power of my own self-worth. The river flows and I am made giddy by the tides of adventure that may await me. My journey has begun at last.